Friday, October 31, 2014

No Bytes



I will be away from my computer for a few days so there will be no Bytes over the weekend.

The good news is that Bytes will be back on Monday.


Until then, enjoy the Funny Friday Halloween items below and Happy H.

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Funny Friday



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Caution: risque language follows

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I got so sick of the trick or treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.

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In Australia, in place of "democrat" substitute "A Labor Party supporter"

In Australia, in place of "republican" substitute "A Liberal Party supporter."

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I'm thinking of dressing up as Kanye West this Halloween. When the kids knock on my door and as soon as they are about to shout Trick or Treat, I'm gonna jump out the bushes and say, "Christmas is better."

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My mate said there's one thing he hates about Halloween.
"Which is?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied, "they freak me out."

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Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat . . . no thank you." 

~ Rita Rudner

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On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.

"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuck off."

My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

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A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

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Corn Corner:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Words Fail Me


Wondering what to post tonight after arriving home from a dinner engagement, I was happily surprised to find an email in my inbox from Byter Paul Y that was ideal - a collection of photos that quite aptly is called Words Fail Me. It could also have been called WTF?? or There But For The Grace of God. . .

Thanks Paul.

Here they are:

























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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Shel Silverstein


From "Where the Sidewalk Ends", by Shel Silverstein


Sheldon “Shel” Silverstein (1930-1999) was an American poet, singer-songwriter, cartoonist, screenwriter and author of children’s books.

Born into a Jewish family in Chicago, he was drafted into the US Army in 1953, serving in Japan and Korea. His wife Susan died in 1975, his daughter Shoshanna died in 1982 at age 11 of a cerebral aneurysm. After remarrying, he and his wife Sarah had a son, born in 1984. 

Drawing and writing from age 7, he developed his own style early in that he did not have access to other writers and cartoonists. In 1957, Silverstein became one of the leading cartoonists in Playboy, which sent him around the world to create an illustrated travel journal with reports from far-flung locales. During the 1950s and 1960s, he produced 23 instalments called "Shel Silverstein Visits..." as a feature for Playboy. Apart from children’s books, poems and stories, Silverstein also wrote for adults and had a number of hits as a songwriter, including A Boy Named Sue, One’s on the Way, Cover of the Rolling Stone and Sylvia’s Mother. Silverstein died in 1999, aged 68, of a heart attack.

Some more Shel Silverstein:





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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Gough has left the building




Former Australian Prime Minister Edward Gough Whitlam died on 21 October 2014 aged 98 years.

Back in 2006 I was at a function where I was privileged to sit at the same table as The Great Man (despite what my father in law thinks).  He would have been 90 then.

Most people recall that in 1975 the Governor General Sir John Kerr, as the representative of the Queen in Australia, controversially dismissed Whitlam and his government. Opposition leader Malcolm Fraser had blocked Supply, that is, denied the government money in the belief that Whitlam would dissolve Parliament and call en election. Whitlam did no such thing, knowing that they would be trounced in an election. He decided to tough it but Kerr took that option away.

At the luncheon I asked Mr Whitlam whether he recalled a Rigby cartoon in Sydney’s Daily Mirror. Following the dismissal and the resounding loss at the subsequent election, Whitlam travelled to England where he had an audience with Queen Elizabeth 11. There was much conjecture as to what he would say to the Queen about the Dismissal, whether he would use the occasion for a broadside and whether he would embarrass the nation. As it turned out, there was little discussion about it with Her Maj, as I recall.

I reminded Mr Whitlam that Paul Rigby, in his cartoon, had shown Mr Whitlam sitting on a foot stool in front of the Queen, who was sitting on her throne in Buckingham Palace. She was much higher than him and she was next to the Duke of Edinburgh. The cartoon showed Her Majesty asking Phillip behind her hand “What does getting the rough end of the pineapple mean?”

Mr Whitlam laughed so much at the remembrance of it that he had to wipe away laughter tears, stating in that distinctive voice of his “Yes, I had quite forgotten that.”

Here are some of the pics I took at that lunch. I sent them to him and he personally telephoned me to thank me for them, even dialing my number himself.








With Rale Rasic, also an honoured guest at the function.
Rasic, as coach, took the Australian team to its first World Cup in 1974.

Rale Rasic and Gough Whitlam with a photo of their younger selves back in 1974.

Rest in peace, comrade.

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