Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thought for the Day



Funny Friday

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Byters

I am replacing my laptop.  Everything that is on it is to be transferred by our computer geek Andrew to the new laptop, so I will not be able to post a Bytes after midnight, as I usually do.  I am therefore posting it earlier, which will mean that some people will get it sooner than they normally do.

Because of not having my laptop available, I am also repeating a past Funny Friday.  Still, it's as good as a new one if you don't remember it from before.  

And for the readers in the US, happy Thanksgiving Day.

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A witch doctor, and related, theme this Funny Friday.  It includes an item previously posted but as with some others in recent months, too good not to include.  Enjoy Friday and the funnies . . .

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After being married for a few years, a man finds that he is no longer able to perform. He goes to his doctor who suggests a few things for him to try, but nothing works. Finally, the doctor tells him it's all in his mind and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I'm at a total loss as to how you can possibly be cured." 

In desperation, he goes to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "Certainly, I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. Suddenly there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. "This is very powerful healing," says the witch doctor, "but I must warn you, you will only be able to use it once a year. All you must do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."

"What happens when it's over?" he asks the witch doctor.

"Then, your partner must say '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. Do be warned though, it will not work again for another year."

That night the man is ready to surprise his wife with his good news. As he's laying next to her in bed, he says "1-2-3" and immediately gets an erection.

Turning over towards him, his wife asks, "What did you say '1-2-3 for?"

And THAT my friends, is why we should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition.

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A witch doctor from a tribe in deepest, darkest Africa is sent by his chief to visit Britain in order to sample a different culture.

On his return the chief asks him how it was and what new things he did.

The witch doctor tells him about this building he went into one night. He says, "There were loads of guys with big bellies drinking something called beer and throwing minature spears at a circular board with a small circle in the middle and numbers all round the outside. The men asked me if I wanted a shot and I told them yes."

"And how did you get on?" asked the chief.

"Brilliant," replied the witch doctor. "Every time I threw a spear, I got it to land dead centre of the board and everybody in the place started cheering me and slapping me on the back."

"Really", says the chief, "and what was this game called?"

"Jammy black bastard," says the witch doctor.

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I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a witch doctor. 

"Why do you want to do that?" I asked. 

"Pwobabwy for financial secuwity," she replied.

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A man found himself lost and wandering in a forest. After a few hours trying to find his way, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 

"I'm lost," said the man, "can you put me up for the night?" 

"Certainly," the Chinese old man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a nice shape. She was obviously attracted to the man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. 

During the night, he could no longer bear it and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room exhausted, but happy. 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest". 

"Well that's pretty crappy," he thought, "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about". He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. 

As he did, so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In panic, he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the rock. 

As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost". 

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One day there was an Indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him a pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. the next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no shit". The witch doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.

The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor:

"Big shit, no chief". 

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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

I have researched the history of ...."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."



Corn Corner:

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. 

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. 

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."




Thought for the Day


(Ponder what it is about you that would cause "Syndrome" to be added after your name.)


Bygone Sydney, from the air . . .

Circular Quay, Sydney, 1920s, 1962, 2013 

Sydney and Hyde Park, 1928 

Queens Square, Sydney, 1930 

Milsons Point, Sydney, 1928 and 2015 

Taylor Square, Sydney, 1959 

Queens Square, Sydney, 1950 

Pyrmont Incinerator, Sydney, 1976 

Circular Quay, Sydney with Opera House under construction, 1960 

Bennelong Point, Sydney, 1952 and 2015. 

The Spit at Middle Harbour in the 1920s before the Spit Bridge was built. 

Men in a dole queue during the Great Depression at No. 7 Wharf, Circular Quay, Sydney, 11 June 1931 

Luna Park, Sydney. 1935 

Btw, the changing faces of the entry to Luna Park 

Central Station, Sydney, 1939 

Sydney Town Hall as it appeared in the early 1900s facing north with St. Andrew's Cathedral to the left 

David Jones, George St. Sydney, cnr. Barrack St. Tram to Dulwich Hill, c. 1900-1910 

Moore Park, corner Anzac Parade and South Dowling Street, Sydney 1881 

Circular Quay, Sydney, 1881 

Toll Gate at Victoria Barracks in 1871.It was the toll gate for Old South Head Rd, now Oxford St Paddington. 

Rushcutter's Bay, Sydney, 1874


Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Thought for the Day




Miscellany

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A collection of miscellaneous items . . . 
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Pink clouding:

I heard this expression when watching Law & Order: SVU.  It means to pretending everything is okay to everyone when it really isn't. 
(Girl jumps to her death). Cop: "I just talked to her yesterday. She was pink clouding, and I knew it." ~Amanda Rollins, Law & Order SVU

Apparently the term comes from the 12 step recovery programs, being jargon to refer to the euphoria felt in early stages as recovery begins.  According to the website Addiction Resource: 
In addiction recovery, the “pink cloud” is a term used to describe a high-on-life feeling in one’s journey to recovery. The Pink Cloud Syndrome is a curious but often short-lived phenomenon. Many people, after detoxing, feel too good about their recovery, as they’re finally able to see the real world behind a curtain of pills, drinks, and needles.


In recovery, pink clouds are common phenomena, but can provide unrealistic expectations. While the feelings of happiness may bring hope to people, they have a dark side, in that the feelings can be self-effected mechanisms that stop people from seeing their real problems. Those delusions can bring over-confidence and disappointment, which can lead back to relapse.


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Pink’s look:

Speaking of things pink, Christina Aguilera did a Whitney Houston tribute at the American Music Industry Awards yesterday by singing songs from The Bodyguard.  Her rendition of I Will Always Love You was painful to listen to, a fact encapsulated by Pink’s pained expression when the camera cut to her in the audience:


By way of comment on the speculation about her feelings, she later tweeted: 
“Christina fucking killed it tonight for one of our favorite singers ever. This is about Whitney, and I am in awe of Christina’s talent. Show the clip where I’m in tears, you negative Nancy’s.” 
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Rare photo find:

Also in the news yesterday, a  man by the name of Frank Abrams purchased a grainy photograph for $10 at a North Carolina flea market. Hi-tech analysis of the group photo has revealed that it shows both Billy the Kid and his killer Pat Garrett, which could potentially mean that it is worth millions of dollars.  He said that he is hanging onto it for the moment and will decide later about whether to sell it. 

This photo shows what historians believe is a photo of outlaw Billy the Kid, second from left, and Pat Garrett, far right, taken in 1880. Frank Abrams, who bought the photo at a flea market says experts in forensics and facial recognition have verified the picture after several months of examination.

Billy the Kid (born Henry McCarty, and also known as William H. Bonney) (1859 - 1881) was an American Old West gunfighter known to have killed eight men, one of them Sheriff Brady.  Captured by Sheriff Pat Garrett, he was tried and convicted of the murder of Brady in 1881 and sentenced to hang.  He escaped from jail, killing two sheriff's deputies in the process, and evaded capture for more than two months. He ultimately was shot and killed by Garrett in Fort Sumner on July 14, 1881, aged 21.

Sheriff Pat Garrett, c 1903

William Bonney, c 1880
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Some trivia about the film The Bodyguard:

Rachel's mansion is the same mansion as the "horse's head in the bed" mansion in The Godfather (1972).

Kevin Costner said that he based his portrayal of Frank Farmer on actor Steve McQueen. He even went as far as to get McQueen's trademark haircut for the role.

Pat Benatar, Olivia Newton-John, Madonna, Joan Jett, Debbie Harry, Janet Jackson, Terri Nunn, Kim

This film was originally proposed in the mid-'70s, starring Diana Ross and Steve McQueen, but was rejected as "too controversial". The film concept was to be attempted again in the late 1970s, with Ryan O'Neal and Diana Ross cast as the leads. The project fell through after only a few months because of irreconcilable differences between O'Neal and Ross, who had been dating.

As of 2015, with over 37 million albums sold, the film had the best-selling soundtrack of all time. Saturday Night Fever (1977) places second--with nearly 10 million fewer albums sold.

The basement used as Kevin Costner's basement in the movie the bodyguard is the same basement that's used in NCIS as Gibbs basement.

"The Bodyguard" was the favourite movie of Malcolm Fraser, Prime Minister of Australia (1975-1983), revealed by his granddaughter Rachel during a family tribute at his funeral in Melbourne, March 27 2015.

Kevin Costner has revealed that a sequel was planned, which would have had him protecting Princess Diana, and that she had expressed a willingness to appear in the film.  The sequel, ironically enough, would have centered on Costner’s Bodyguard character, Frank Farmer, protecting Diana’s character from paparazzi and stalkers before the pair become romantically involved. Costner has stated that he received the script for the sequel on August 31, 1997, the day before Princess Diana died in Paris in a car crash that was originally blamed on paparazzi, who were following the vehicle that carried her and Dodi Fayed.




Monday, November 20, 2017

Thought for the Day




Bizarre jewellery

How many of these jewellery items would you wear?



Fake tear drop.

Snake eye ear studs

Green tea and sushi ring

Chair wrist bangle

Toilet roll neck charm

Spider necklace

Chicken feet earrings

Teeth charms

Bacon bangle

Real hair necklace

Caged mouse necklace, part of a “Fur is alive” jewellery series

Bottle cap necklace

Another bottle cap necklace

Frog earring

Spider earring

Teeth rings and bracelets

If you think teeth jewellery is bizarre, how about a teeth compact

Claw ring