Friday again and time for some funnies. A bit of a mixed bag today . . .
First of all, a hello and get well wish for my father in law, Noel, who has just had a knee replacement. Noel is aged 90 and has featured in these pages previously as an inspiring senior cit.
These are for you, Noel . . .
Some jokes about money . . .
Caution: risqué content included.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders.
Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a complete prick.”
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
Last week at trivia, one of the questions was “Where was the last oil fire put out by the famed Red Adair?”
Locals may recall that in 1968 Red Adair extinguished an oil well fire in Bass Strait (for those wondering where that is, it is the body that separates Tasmania from Australia (yes, I know that Tasmania is part of Australia but it pisses off the Tasmanians to hear that and my brother lives there).
Red died in 2004 aged 89. In his more than 50 years as a firefighter he extinguished nearly 3000 oil well fires. Among them were 119 fires in Kuwaiti oil fields at the end of the 1991 Gulf War, the infamous "Devil's Cigarette Lighter" in Algeria in 1962 whose 240-metre flames were seen from space by astronaut John Glenn, the 1979 blowout of Mexico's Ixtoc-1 well in the Bay of Campeche and the 1988 Piper Alpha platform disaster in the North Sea that killed 167 men.
Red Adair, 1991
The trivia question prompted recollections of some Red Adair jokes, one from rival team member John and one from me. They are set out below.
By the way, the answer to the trivia question was: Kuwait.
This is a revised version of John’s joke which, in its original form, was politically incorrect and in any event was an audio joke which required a speech impeded voice . . .
Firefighter Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said: "I've been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year."
"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.
"Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."
"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," Red said, looking at the ceiling.
"Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called Polly Darton."
"It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.
The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a change of topic:
"Haven't I seen you on TV? You're quite famous, aren't you?"
This made old Red cheer up:
"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.
"Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"
Here is my Red Adair joke . . .
When Saddam Hussein set the Kuwaiti oil wells on fire when facing defeat in the Iraq war, the Kuwaiti oil sheiks sought to recruit legendary Texas firefighter Red Adair to put out the fires. Red Adair was the world’s best known extinguisher of oil well fires, even having had a movie made about him (John Wayne played him, of course).
When Red was first approached by a representative for the sheiks he replied that he was too busy, that he had more work than he could handle as it was but that his Irish cousin, Green Adair, might be able to deal with it.
The sheik telephoned Green and asked “Hello, is that Green Adair ….. ?”
“Yess, sorr, dat’s roight, tis me Green Adair at yer service …” said the voice at the end of the line.
“Mr Adair, that terrible man Saddam Hussein has set fire to our oil wells. Can you come and help us?”
The Irishman thought for a second and replied “Oh, I don’t know sorr, we’re awful busy at der moment . . .”
“We will pay you ten million pounds per oil well, Mr Adair” responded the sheik.
“Me an’ de lads‘ll be over in der mornin’ sorr …..” replied Green.
The next day at first light, a military jumbo circled the raging fires and then proceeded to land a short distance from the largest blaze. The cargo doors opened and a battered dark blue truck came hurtling down the ramp and sped right into the middle of the flaming inferno. As it came to a halt all of the doors opened and twenty Irish navvies in jackets and boots jumped out and started to furiously stamp up and down on the flames and beat the flames with their jackets.
Eventually the fire was extinguished. With BBC cameras filming and people patting Green on the back, Green was approached by the sheik who said to him “That was magnificent, remarkable. Tell me what you want and it is yours, ask anything.”
“Well.” replied Green, “der first ting, we’ll get der brakes on dat fockin’ trock fixed.”
An old man goes to the barbershop for a shave. He tells the barber, “My cheeks are so sunken in that I can’t get a good shave, can you help me out?” The barber gives him a ball from a cup and says, “Put this in your mouth against your cheeks to puff ’em out, and I can give you a good shave.” So he does. After the shave, the old man said, “Gee, that’s a good shave, I haven’t had one like this in years! By the way, what would have happened if I had swallowed that ball?” The barber replied, “Oh, that’s okay! You can bring it back in two days like everyone else does!”
Two cannibals are eating a clown when one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.