Saturday, February 17, 2018
ALL OF LIFE MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV -
50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SCREEN
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The Chief of Police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Because of the subject matter of this continuing series, there must of necessity be repeats of items or quotations posted in the previous 7 years of Bytes. For those who have read them before, hopefully you will find these as enjoyable on a re-read as for the first time.
21. Mandy Rice Davies:
Marilyn "Mandy" Rice-Davies (1944 – 2014) was a British model and topless showgirl best known for her association with Christine Keeler and her role in the Profumo affair, which discredited the Conservative government of British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan in 1963.
Rice-Davies was never charged with being a prostitute, but Stephen Ward, another key figure in the saga, was found guilty at trial of being her and Keeler's pimp. That trial had been instigated only after the embarrassment caused to the government.
While giving evidence at Ward's trial for living off the avails of prostitution (immoral earnings, in U.K. law) Rice-Davies had it put to her by defence counsel James Burge that Lord Astor (with whom she claimed to have had sexual relations) had denied an affair or having even met her. She replied, "Well (giggle) he would, wouldn’t he?" (often misquoted "Well he would say that, wouldn't he?"). By 1979, this phrase had entered the third edition of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, and is occasionally abbreviated as MRDA ("Mandy Rice Davies applies") or referred to as the "Mandy Rice-Davies clause".
Mandy Rice Davies, 1964
“President Trump says that Bannon’s book is crap.” MRDA.
“Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have announced that they have separated but hope to remain friends.” MRDA
At the height of the scandal, the first prime minister of independent Malaya (now Malaysia) Tunku Abdul Rahman arrived in London for a visit. At a reception at Heathrow Airport when asked what he wanted to do first, he replied "I want Mandi" which shocked the reception party because they did not know that "Mandi" means "take a bath" in Malay.
22. Władysław Kozakiewicz:
In 1980 the Olympics were held in Moscow. The US and various other countries had withdrawn from the games as a protest against Russia’s involvement in Afghanistan, so tensions were high. The Russians felt that their plans and efforts for a spectacular Olympics had been deliberately sabotaged and that they had been humiliated in the eyes of the world.
In the pole vault, the battle for gold had come down to the Russian competitor, Konstantin Volkov, and the Pole Władysław Kozakiewicz (pronounced Vlad-is-lav Ko-za-kev-ich). At the time Poland was under the domination of the Soviet bloc, in effect Poland was run and controlled by Russia, a fact which the Poles hated with a vengeance.
The battle had come down to Kozakiewicz’s vault. A success would see him take gold, a fail would result in Volkov taking the gold and the Pole the silver.
As he readied himself and psyched for the jump, the Russian crowd in the Moscow stadium booed, jeered, whistled and yelled at Kozakiewicz, who maintained his concentration for the vault. He appeared not to hear them or to be aware of the noise directed towards him.
He made the jump, it was good, at 5.75m, and he secured gold.
As he rose to his feet after landing, he turned to the hostile Russian crowd and delivered his salute to them:
See it at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YPv9AL5YIs
Such a mannerism has an official title: Bras d’honneur, French for “arm of honour”, as does the middle finger extended, the Doigt d'honneur, “finger of honour”. The finger gesture dates back to Ancient Rome, where it was known as the digitus impudicus (impudent finger). It has also been referred in ancient Greek comedy for insulting another person. The use in other countries is probably due to Roman and Greek influence.
In Poland, Kozakiewicz’s bras d’honneur became known as “Kozakiewicz’s gesture” and photos showed it worldwide, except in the Soviet Union and its satellites.
After the 1980 Olympics ended, the Soviet ambassador to Poland demanded that Kozakiewicz be stripped of his medal over his "insult to the Soviet people". The Polish government replied that, having investigated the alleged insult, it was clear that the gesture had been an involuntary muscle spasm caused by his exertion.
23. Benjamin Disraeli:
Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881) was a British statesman of the Conservative Party who twice served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, in 1868 and 1874-1880. He has already featured in this series.
William Gladstone (1809 – 1898) was a British statesman of the Liberal Party. In a career lasting over sixty years, he served for twelve years as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, spread over four terms beginning in 1868 and ending in 1894.
Disraeli and Gladstone were both politicians of extraordinary ability, but their personalities clashed and they heartily loathed each other.
On one occasion, Disraeli was asked to explain the difference between misfortune and calamity.
“The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.”
24. Alfred Hitchcock:
In 1943 Hitchcock was directing “Lifeboat” which was released in 1944.
Mary Anderson was one of the stars of the film.
That's her at the back. Btw, Hitchcock alwaysd makes a cameo appearance early in his films (early so that viewers are not distracted from watching the film). There is a limit to including a cameo in a movie that is entirely about people in a lifeboat. This was his appearance:
During filming, Anderson said to Hitchcock “Which is my best side, do you think?”
Hitchcock replied “You’re sitting on it.”
25: John F Kennedy:
President John F Kennedy was the skipper of a PT (Patrol Torpedo) boat, PT 109, in WW2.
On the night of 2 August 1943 the destroyer Amagiri, cut through the PT 109 diagonally, knocking Lt. Kennedy down and sending him into the steel bulkhead.
Two crewmen died. In the morning, having spent the night in the water, they made it to an uninhabited island, Kennedy swimming with a life vest strap of one of the injured men in his teeth. They were rescued on 8 August by islanders. Kennedy was awarded a Purple Heart and Navy / Marine Corps Medal. He was discharged in 1946.
When he ran for President in 1960, much was made of his war record. At one campaign stop he was asked by a young boy “How did you become a war hero?”
“It was involuntary. They sank my boat.”
26. Viv Richards:
Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Richards (1952 - ), known as Viv Richards, is a former Antiguan cricketer, who represented the West Indies at test and international levels. He is regarded as one of the greatest batsmen of all time. Richards was voted one of the five Cricketers of the Century by a 100-member panel of experts in 2000, along with Sir Donald Bradman, Sir Garfield Sobers, Sir Jack Hobbs and Shane Warne.
English bowler George Thomas, bowled three deliveries that went past Richards and to the keeper, Richards having swung but missed. Thomas walked up the pitch and said to Richards "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering. You’re supposed to hit it.”
On the next delivery Richards hit the ball out of the ground into a nearby river. He said to Thomas “You know what it looks like, now go and fetch it.”
Friday, February 16, 2018
Mark Twain was travelling in France and on one occasion was going by train to Dijon. That afternoon he was very tired and wanted to sleep. He therefore asked the conductor to wake him up when they came to Dijon. He explained that he was a very heavy sleeper and said “I’ll probably protest loudly when you try to wake me up, but do not take any notice, just put me off the train anyway.”
When Twain woke up, the train was already in Paris. The angry writer ran up to the conductor and said, “I’ve never been so angry in all my life.”
The conductor looked at him calmly. “You are not half so angry as the American whom I put off the train at Dijon,” he said.
It’s Friday once again, readers, so the weekend’s not far off. Here are some miscellaneous smiles and giggles to help speed the journey.
A contribution from John P:
For those of us over 60 - this is a great exercise regimen - for you youngsters out there (under 60), just keep it in mind until you reach that magic 60 number!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10kg potato bags. Then try 50kg potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
REJECTED NURSEY RHYMES
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"
Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.
Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."
Robin: Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start
Batman: Have you tried replacing the battery?
Robin: What's a tery?
A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados"
3 cop stories, reputedly true:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
Thursday, February 15, 2018
During a royal tour in 1983, Diana approached a crowd of young children in Southern Australia. She walked up to the nearest child and, while patting him on his head, asked him why he wasn't in school that day.
"I was sent home," he explained, "because I've got head lice."
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
As regular readers will know, I am a bit of a sucker for glurge, those message stories that often have a philosophical message at the end. Nonetheless even I draw the line at some, being just too syrupy. Once such example came my way again recently and I could feel my veins and arteries crystallising into sugar just from reading the title.
I will post it for you to consider, then a parody of it which makes a lot more sense and has a much more practical message. This was posted in Bytes in 2010.
This is the parody:
Butt Prints in the Sand
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
and there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
when one must fight, and one must climb.
When one must rise and take a stand,
or leave their butt prints in the sand."
Whenever I am watching some English show with Kate – Antiques Roadshow, QI, Country House Rescue, Escape to the Country, Restoration Home, Midsomer Murders – and the place name Aberystwith is mentioned, there is something compulsive in me that makes me recite the Aberystwith limerick, no matter how many times she has heard it before. It happened again a few days ago.
Before I post it, I will point out strongly that some of the following limericks are risqué, so venture on at your own risk.
Still, one limerick itself makes the point:
The limerick packs laughs astronomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
Very rarely are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical
So here is the Aberystwith limerick, plus more, a couple of which have been posted previously in Bytes. To read those past posts, go to the Bytes blogsite at:
and search against the word limerick. There is a search function on the right of the blog.
Take time to work out some of the wordplay ones below.
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.
The miller's son, Jack,
Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought all babies came from God,
But ’twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!
Who thought all babies came from God,
But ’twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
But it wasn't Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
That spring would come
So he could bum
Around and go out to fich.
There once was a pollie named Joyce
Who exercised his freedom of choice
By swapping the missus
For a young staffer’s kisses
But that really wasn’t so noice.
(Okay, I admit I wrote that one).
There once was a Jew from Peru
Who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy-vey!
If you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"
I finally found the perfect girl.
I could not ask for more.
She's deaf and dumb
And owns a liquor store.
—attributed to Dean Martin, who often joked about his excessive drinking
Another repeat but a favourite:
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe`?"
At breakfast one day in Calcutta
Was a man with a bit of a stutta
He said, "Pass the h-ham
And the j-j-j-jam
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta."
There once was a young man from Poole
Who discovered a red ring about his tool
He went to the clinic
Where the doctor, a cynic,
Said, "It's only lipstick, you fool."
First let me explain that I'm cursed.
I'm a poet whose time gets reversed.
Reversed gets time
Whose poet a I'm.
Cursed I'm that explain me let first.
Also a repeat:
The bustard's an exquisite fowl
With plenty of reason to howl.
He escapes what would be
By grace of a fortunate vowel.
This one's for John P, trvia player and Yiddish expert:
There once was a man named Mort
Whose manhood was terribly short
To call it his schlong
Would have been very wrong
Which is why he called it his schlort.
Monday, February 12, 2018
As I mentioned yesterday, Charles Z sent me some old time photographs and suggested that they might be of interest for Bytes. I have previously posted a lot of them but in black and white, these have been colourised, which adds an immediacy not present in the originals. Thanks, Charles.
I should also mention that a few weeks ago I referred to Charlie as a Canadian, but he sent me an email: “BTW. I am not Canadian .... just another Septic enjoying Australia! Charlie.”
Charlie’s email onsend of pics and captions:
Now this is history !!
President Lincoln with Major General McClernand and Allan Pinkerton at Antietam in 1862
A Washington, D. C. filling station in 1924
Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels scowls at a Jewish photographer, 1933
Audrey Hepburn (WOW)
Mark Twain in 1900
Charlie Chaplin at 27 years old in 1916
Claude Monet in 1923
A car crash in Washington D.C. around 1921
Albert Einstein, 1921
Brigadier General and actor Jimmy Stewart. Stewart flew 20 combat missions over Nazi-occupied Europe, and even flew one mission during Vietnam.
Elizabeth Taylor in 1956 (another WOW)
Big Jay McNeely, Olympic Auditorium, 1953
Clint Eastwood, 1962
Hindenburg Blimp crash
British Soldiers returning from the front in 1939
Albert Einstein on a Long Island beach in 1939
Samurai training, 1860
Winston Churchill, 1941
Country store in July 1939, Gordonton, North Carolina
(More to come)